[Humour] 10¢ a Minute

[Elc]

I first heard this on the radio while on a job search a couple years ago, and had since found it transcripted online. I saved it to my computer but I can't remember where I originally found it, so I'll post it for everyone to enjoy.

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One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me cheques weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeah?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

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How many of us wishes we could just do that to telemarketers? With having call display, I know in advance whether or not to answer the phone, but it would be a blast to actually do.
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"You make me smash the clock and feel, I'd rather die behind the wheel.
Time was never on my side, So on I wait my whole lifetime."

[TheAngelicSin]

HEY! Now that gives me quite a good idea of what to do when I'm flooded by calls from telemarketers when I get back to Brooklyn! :D 'Cause it'll inevitably happen since my number isn't private, yuck.

Seriously wish I'd've done something like that in the past. All I've done so far is speak Polish to them or some made up language until they hung up. Once that didn't work and the telemarketer started talking about female circum... which freaked the hell out of me and I hung up on him in a flash. *Shudder* Scary people out there on the other line. :|
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[Aurelien]

I usually just told them that I'm not interested, or I'd just have to go or something. But of course they'd call me again and again for the next few days. Yup, I know that it's their job, but come on. Sometimes I just wish that I could ask for THEIR home phone number and we'll see how annoying I can be with my persistent offer.
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~City-States of Jowston and Tinto Republic~
06.06.2004 - 20.01.2008

[Keriaku]

That was hilarious, I'm saving that! But I'd be to embarrassed to do something like that... :oops:
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Inspired by everything

[Elc]

Bugg, one time I actually did ask for a telemarketer's phone number, explaining I didn't have time at the moment, but the guy said something like "We don't give out our number." Another time, a telemarketer tried to sell me something (or get me to donate to something) and I specifically told him I couldn't budget anything in but he wouldn't accept it as an answer and kept going. At the end of the call, he asked which think I would like to purchase/donate and I told him again that I couldn't budget anything in, and he had the nerve to act like I had wasted his time. My only regret is that I didn't think to answer "My pleasure" when he said "Thank you for wasting my time."

Ahhh, missed opportunities.
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"You make me smash the clock and feel, I'd rather die behind the wheel.
Time was never on my side, So on I wait my whole lifetime."

[Dakota]

Heh heh Messing with telemarkters is fun,just annoying them is great fun :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Its height.

[Excalibur1027]

:lol: Elc, that was hilarious! I'm so saving that. I should try it out next time one of them calls.
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[Ikano]

This reminds me, I heard this girl in one of my classes WAYYY back talking to someone about the funny way she answered a telemarketer's call
I forgot the names so excuse my made-up substitue ones ==;;

my classmate: hello?
telemarketor: "is Mr. Smith there?"
**classmates starts crying uncontrollably**
telemarketor: "uhhh......"
clasmate: "HE'S DEAD!!!!! HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
telemarketor: "oh oh I'm terribly sorry"
**classmate cries louder**
telemarketor: "I'm very awfully sorry"
*click*

after hearing that I always wanted to do something like that to telemarketers [acting like an answer machine being one of my ideas] but I never have >.<

My dad has a couple times picked up the phone and not say anything before.
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[Marshmallow]

Or just pick up the phone, then start breathing heavily into it.

If the telemarketer stay's on, "what are you wearing" will make 'em hang up real fast.

[Aurelien]

Well I always want to have fun with telemarketers (or people calling the wrong number), but I always just forgot that I wanted to do that. What I wanted to do the most now is to pretend that I'm a woman despite my very low bass-ish manly voice. So if they are calling looking for Mr.whatever, I'd probably say "Well he's currently in the shower, but you can speak to me, his DAUGHTER."
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~City-States of Jowston and Tinto Republic~
06.06.2004 - 20.01.2008

[TheAngelicSin]

I knew a girl who became a telemarketer as a summer job. It was very hard not to give her a dirty look because telemarketers always know how to get on my nerves. For example, telemarketers ALWAYS leave me messages... Even though my answering machine, at one point, had me saying not to leave me a message if they were a telemarketer. ;P They DON'T listen when you say you're not interested no matter which method you use!! It's as though they think talking to you is really going to change your mind... which rarely seems to happen so I don't know why they firmly believe in this...

Then again, as that girl told me, telemarketers are required to make a certain amount of sales per day unless they want to be fired. ;P Still I would think they'd just keep calling people instead of bothering poor innocent souls who don't want to be pestered. :roll:

Heavy breathing and "What are you wearing?" wouldn't work for a female :P
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[Daniel Blackhand]

That's a riot man I just love how they stuck AT&T in a pinch like that. Now I need to get off the floor from laughing so hard.
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[Njord]

That was really good and I really hope to use it in reality but too bad that we don't usually have people calling us to offer us to buy a certain merchandise though there was once a lady who called me to offer something about stock market but when I said that I don't know anything about it and I'm not interested she just apologized and hanged the phone.

Therefore, I'm kind of happy to know that here in Kuwait we don't really have people calling or disturbing us about anything and even when they do it they act really politely when there offer is rejected.

Anyway, I found the dialogue to be very funny and I hope to use it on someone who calls me or even on a pesky friend of mine (of course after changing a little bit of the dialogue :mrgreen:)
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[Saben]

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/02/11/DD79151.DTL& ;nl=fix In a similar vein...

[Elc]

I wonder what would be better, "Hold on, please" or trying to strike up an unrelated conversation with the telemarketer. You could even go the route of scaring the telemarketer by arguing with yourself on the phone. Another point I learned a while back, is that telemarketers don't actually do the dialing, which is done by computer, so by answering the phone and then hanging up it registers on their computers as a hit and drops your number from the list. The annoying part is when you have two numbers for the same line, as we do here, one number produces a distinctive ring, so you would have to do so at least twice.

Another humourous "incident" which I particularly enjoyed turned out to be an urban legend, but I still find it amusing nonetheless. One title I've found for the exchange was "The Obstinate Lighthouse"

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This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995, released by the Chief of Naval Operations.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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The story has been confirmed a joke and not a real exchange by the Urban Legends resource at snopes.com and, according to their evidence, the Navy even had a page about it, but the link provided doesn't seem to work for me anymore, so it may have been renamed or removed entirely.
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"You make me smash the clock and feel, I'd rather die behind the wheel.
Time was never on my side, So on I wait my whole lifetime."