Divorce and Single Parenting

[Queen]

It is common knowledge that divorce is on the rise. Single parenting is also on the rise because of this statistic. Experts report that a child has the most beneficial upbringing if they are raised by two parents. I have found very little evidence that is given into the positive side of single parenting. There are also reports into how there is nothing positive about parents divorcing.

My parents divorced when I was eight. My dad had been kicked out of the house sometime earlier by my mom(at the insistance of her best friend.) In regards to the fate of her children, this was the best thing my mom could have done. My father was a financial drain on our family and would have eventually become an emotional drain. After my father left, we still kept in contact with him via phone up until his death(cancer). My mom raised my two brothers and me by herself.

Granted my brothers and I are set back in some regards due to the lack of a positive paternal figure, but I believe that my mom did the right thing when she gave my father the boot. My mom never dated after the divorce. She was afraid of making the same mistake twice. Sure there are a lot of great guys out there, but my mom didn't feel that it was worth risking our saftey and wellbeing over it. Not to mention that she was too busy providing for us and raising us. Who would have time to date. Regardless, I still think my mom did the right thing for us.

In the case of my brothers and me, my parents' divorce was more beneficial than harmful. If my mom hadn't kicked my father out, and he didn't die, I might possibly not be writing this right now. My father's neglect has caused me to have quite a few situation where the outcome was not favorable to my survival.(let's just leave it at that)

I acknowledge that divorce, overall, is probably not very healthy to a child's psychology. But, I do think that there are cases where divorcing is less harmful than not, as with my case.

What are everyone elses thoughts on the pros and cons of divorce, single parenting, and joint parenting?
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[Eden]

I don't know much about benefit or disadvantage of divorce or at least besides the typical studies. My parents were divorced when I was around ten or eleven years old and I stayed with my father. I had always the better connection towards him, because my mother was ill long before I was born and was regularly in therapy and on regimen. My mother commited child custody violation and that harmed our relatioship even more. But I saw her one day before she died of a lethal variety of leukaemia. This means she has known for years she will die of cancer and the lethal result of the illness could only be delayed. Needless to say this caused a kind of psychologically disease.
But back to the topic... I believe it was the right decision that my parents divorced. The only bad thing is, that my father was married again, and divorced again, tried to marry a third time, but this time it didn't happen, and has now his ninth girl friend, which he want to marry at the end of this year... Because of this (and his job) I moved till now nine times and visited nine different school classes. This made it difficult to find friends and be good a pupil.
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The Fool

[iscalio]

If a marriage is shattered beyond repair, if hurt emotions, hurt pride, jealousy and anger define the domestic atmosphere, then I think a divorce would be the best for the couple and their children. I believe divorce is wrong, but it is certainly the "lesser evil" in comparison with childhood years full of quarrel, yelling or even violence.

[ard]

I've lived for years in what was to me a happy family, but a few months suddenly out of the blue my parents told me and my brother they wanted to divorce because they felt like the love they used to share years ago was gone. When they told me this i was furious at them because i believed it was selfish of them and they thought to way too easy about letting a 25+ years marriage go down the drain just like that. After i calmed down a bit i told that if they really wanted to divorce, i wouldn't stop them but i wouldn't support either of them in any way. Luckily my parents worked on their problems and now they are more happy then ever.

That's just the problem with people these days, they're lazy. If partners get bored with eachother they just divorce instead of trying to be happy with eachother again. Divorcing is a much easier thing to do, all you need to do is sign some documents and you're "free" again. It's ridiculous how easy this is.
It's selfish and the children are always the biggest losers. But in some cases there is, sadly, no other option.

I learned some important things and i count myself VERY lucky that my parents were strong enough to make things work again and didn't divorce.

[Jorge Prima]

It's funny, here in America Bush states that the reason he doesn't want Gay Marriage is because it would hurt the Sactinty of the Marriage of a man and a women. Yet, divorce is legal! Why? BECAUSE IF GAYS GET MARRIED THEY WOULD GET TAX CUTS!!! THATS THE REAL REASON!!!

*echm* On that note, yes I too live in a household where my parents are divorce. They have been divorce ever since I was about two years old. I remeber being very sad and depressed for a long time. But I as I got older I forgot about it.

I'm Lucky, most parents live in different states, my parents about 15 minutes away! That Tomo girl from suikoden is my hero! Didn't she get her divorced parents back together in the end of suikoden II?
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J et J

[Queen]

[Mafioso]

My parents have been divorced since I was 10 years old.....its been over a decade now. Yes that urge still stays that I always would want my parents too end up back together. However thats a fantasy...seeing how they both are married to other people now. My only advice....don't marry anybody just because you got them pregnant. I would of rather never lived knowing what its like too have both my biological parents in one household, as opposed too having that for a few years.

[Starslasher]

Well, while i have no first hand experience with divorce or single parenting, i know of friends and classmates who have. The closest i've gotten to that subject would have to be a good friend of mine. Her father was a sperm donor. And she lived with her mother and younger sister. They met with their "father" once, but they didn't want or need a father (figure). My friend wasn't disturbed, or yearning for a father. Well, i may find it a bit disturbing for her to like yaoi to a degree :*laugh*: , but she is a good student and a good friend. Her sister is a bit wierd, but not wierder than some others in her class.

So even though they live with a single parent, they are both doing fine. I do wonder if they desire a lifelong partner in the future, or if they'll just live the life their mother lived.
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Guardian of Greenhill & Devoted Protector of Oulan



Bork! Bork! Bork!

[Phamex]

My parent's divorced when I was eleven or so. At the time, a lot of what happened went over my head, but the things I remember and now understand only help to keep me from having a relationship of any kind with my father. Asking questions later didn't help either. Turns out my father was and is quite the man whore . 6 months after they married my mom caught him half naked in the back of a van with another woman. I think she spent the next 26 years in denial. At the end he didn't even bother to show her any respect. He was contemtpuously civil and didn't bother coming home most nights. When he finally did leave, he only had one box of possessions. He'd been sneaking his things out the entire time and my mom never had a clue because she trusted him. She's not dumb, you'd think she would've known better after the first time. Denial. My father's now on wife number five.

I think it's safe to say that I don't agree with marriage. I've had nothing but negative feedback with marriages. Finding somebody to spend the rest of your life with, fantastic. But why do you need to get married? You obviously can't guarantee that you'll stick with that person through thick and thin or that you'll even try. As long as there's a way out people will take it. The only good thing about marriage is the financial benefits and the symbolism of the ceremony. So why not just have a ceremony affirming you're love for one another. Not eternal love, not everlasting love, just love for the right now. A ceremony without promises. At least that way if you have to go your seperate ways later it won't feel as much like a betrayal and you won't have the added hurt of breaking any promises.

Maybe I'm just in a pessimistic mood and I'll change my mind down the road, but that's how I'd handle any serious relationship I got into right now. I suppose there are some pros to divorce, but the situation usually has to be dire. Abuse, broken vows, or marriages made for the wrong reasons are about the only times I can see a divorce as being a good thing.

As for single parenting, it kind of sucks. I suppose it's one thing if all you've ever known is one parent, you're kind of used to the state you're living in. It usually doesn't seem like a big deal. If they split later on though, when you can be aware of the changes, it upsets your entire quality of life. From my own experience, our financial stability was shot to hell. We moved five times in one year and I went to five different middle schools. It was traumatic. And at the time, I had been an A-B student. With the shock of losing a parent and the lack of stability my grades quickly dropped. I probably should have gone to see a therapist, because I never recovered, and stumbled my way through high school. The psychological effects of a divorce are undeniable. If a person feels obligated to leave a marriage, fine. But if there are children involved, step up to the plate and take responsibility for them. You don't have to be actively involved in their lives, though it might be appreciated, but the least you can do is help financially to take care of them.

I guess everything just comes down to responsibility and how mature you are. Do you talk things out and try to solve your problems or do you throw a tantrum and leave? Do you take responsibility for what you've wrought or do you leave behind strife and suffering?
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[Ley]

My parents never even married. I was brought up for three years by my Mother. Then after she met Gareth (who is now my step father at the age of 17, they married this year) they moved into a council house. I grew up in a rough enviroment being scared of my stepfather, who I am still scared of to this day to the point of flinching away from him when he comes near me. Yet, I managed to turn out alright. I neither take drugs, smoke nor drink, I am (sort of) able to funtion within normal society. In fact, I'd say that I am able to cope within a community more than some people I know who grew up in a home with both parents.

My Father spent a lot of my younger life living in Germany working, and it is only recently that I have started seeing him more than once a year. He hasn't played a role in my upbringing, and I for one am glad at that. He is irrespnsible and lacks discipline, which loathe to admit it, I did get from the person my mother met.

Having parents not living together, only really works badly for families when the children are old enough to form opinions about the Parents themselves. Children can't get hung up on someone missing if they never knew anything differenctly to start with.
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Can anyone tell I'm bored?

[Scott]

Hmm.

My Parents Divorced when I was 2 years old. Things ended up different. I was raised by my Mother until the age of 9 or so. Around then my Mother decided to remarry. Safe to say my StepFather and I never could get along. I have my reasons for disliking him as I do, but I doubt this is the correct place to be getting into this. Anyway. Because of my disdain for him, I opted to move in with my Grandparents, which is where I still am. I see my mother daily and such and we are close. I'm closer to my Grandmother than anyone else though.

Now then...there's my father. He and I see eye to eye less than my Step father. He's a neo Conservative religious man. I'm..uhm, not. Haha. Anyway. Despite disagreeing with my father more, I get along with him far more than I do my step Father. My dad hardly cared about having me around untill I was 13 or so. Around then he grew up and decided to acctually father me. We get along now better than ever...now that he apologized for something that made me almost hate him. He remaird when I was 8 or so. Lori...she's okay, a little too..I dunno.

Anyway...despite the Divore I havce a decent relationship with my father and mother. I'm glad I was raised how I was, because I know I'd likley be far different had my mother not been smart enough to divore him. Really, I agree with Leb. I think the reason I wasn't affected was because of how young I was. Even in my earliest memories my parents are divorced, so I have no idea what it's really LIKE to live in a stable family

Divcorce seems too common though. As Phamex said, people refuse to try. Hell, almost all of my freinds are from "broken homes" In fact...I don't think I can name a close freind that isn't. Kind of discouraging, really, but what can you do..
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To relive those Halcyon days of youth

[Hawk Thanatos]

Like Ley my parents never married but I've only met my dad once or twice and he has his own family now. My mum worked hard and we've never had a problem in terms of money and now I couldn't imagine having to live with a "father". I like it just being me and my mum, things are pretty relaxed. If there was another person who could try to boss me around I think I'd have to leave home, it'd just be too weird.


As others have said single parenting is fine if it's all you've known but coupled with a bad divorce it can fuck things up. Plus there's always the issue of whether a single parent family can cope financially.

[uwangski]

DIVORCE:

I cant actually comment on this too much as I am in the same situation as hawkthanatos. My biological parents are not married. My mom was pregnant when my irresponsible father abandoned us.

So all I can say is, divorce should be carefully premeditated before deciding to do it. As in the case of ardPSiKo, his parents later revoked the decision and continued on living together.

By the way, there's no divorce in the Philippines. Legal separation and annulment are the only option.

SINGLE PARENTING:

As stated earlier, we were abandoned by my father while my mom was pregnant. While I was a child, they were afraid to tell me the truth. They always say, "You're father is dead." Then one day, I suddenly asked, "Where's his grave?" Instead of telling me, they all laughed at me as they were amazed of how intelligent I am at that age.

Enough of my gloating... when I reached high school, my father came back. I had that chance to know him better. Almost four years of knowing him, I realized he wasnt exactly the father I was looking for. He was so irresponsible. He can be compared to today's politicians, they make promises, and then forget about it (I'm not implying all politicians are like that though). In addition to that, he was a bad influence to me. Then before graduation, I never heard from him again, he didnt even congratulate me. Ever since that day, there was a running joke, that my father "died again."

So in my case, single parenting was beneficial to me. I was never negatively affected by it, and in fact, I could have been worse due to his bad influence. However, I had to lie about my father when I was enrolled in a school that discriminated children from broken families.
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[Vincent Chase]

This is a good and relevant topic to me, as my parents are ‘separated', not living together, but they also haven't filed the papers yet (which I think is a stupid move considering my mom has a boyfriend and isn't officially separated from my father yet). My family is messed, not violent or anything, just dysfunctional.

So...what do I think of divorce? Well, my own parent's wasn't too tragic, being that I've seen it coming for years and I was 20 when it happened. My mom said that she wanted to wait until my sister (2 years younger) and myself were old enough to accept it, but it's not like it was that much of a heartbreaker. My mom wasn't happy, so she should be able to be. She was also getting annoying to live with, what with the constant controls and rules and stuff that I'd just tell her to drop because the act was lame.

My dad naturally was crushed (because he never saw it coming, don't ask me how), but in the time since he's been able to do some of the things he's wanted, like travel and go fishing, more often. Sure, you still get the odd sarcastic comment (that pisses me and my sister RIGHT off), but he's basically over it, which is a good thing.

I think if society is going to try to encourage people to get married as young as they possibly can (just after University/College, sometimes while still attending) that it's forcing people on each other. More and more people are getting married in their late 30's, which is exactly what I plan to do (so I have everything set up). Marriage is supposed to be a sacred institution, but the way I see it, it just makes what was official before known to the government. A good chunk of people who get married already have had sex, already live together, and already go through each other's mail, so what's so important about it? If people want to get out of marriage, there shouldn't be anything stopping them.

Single parenting is more of a necessity than divorce, because it's what comes from divorce. Both of my parents are pretty financially safe, so ‘single parenting' isn't really an issue, but I know money is often the biggest issue. Joint custody should be mandatory in divorce cases, because asking one parent to raise something that came from both of them is just wrong. If it has to be done, it should be taken care of by both parents.

[Aile]

I'll try to keep this brief, but i my brother and i are sons of a single parent (my mother). My parents were never married, and though my father was "present" for a healthy portion of our early childhood, it wasn't long until he was sent on his way. As a physically and emotionally abusive drug addict, it's safe to say that things ended up better without him.

As mentioned before, some circumstances benefit from seperation of any kind. I guess in my case i was lucky; i never grew attached to anyone but my mother (mostly due to my father's nature as an abusive individual and my mother being the saint she is) so when he finally left "for good" and then eventually died, it really didn't phase me. In fact, if truth be told it was sort of a relief. All of us sort of lived in fear of him, there being multiple occasions when he had literally broken out of penitentiary to come and harass our family.

I don't know, all in all i can completely agree that there are some situations that abolutely call for a divorce or seperation, especially in instances where abuse of any kind is prevalent. I suppose i'm sort of biased when i say it, but it's been my experience that a single parent can do the job just as well; i can't say i'm a model citizen, but i can say that my biggest character flaw is that i'm probably too lazy. Which is to say my mother did a fine job in raising me into a respectful young man of mediocre intelligence and class and i'm thankful that she was such a wonderful parent.
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"Our blades shall speak with eloquence what human words cannot."