Divorce and Single Parenting

[St. Ajora]

I don't think a lot of people have the right to judge single parents, myself included. Now this is where I'm gonna get heavily biased- I am one of the many that snubs her nose to teenage mothers being supported by her parents or anyone in particular, because this is the only case of single parenting that I really have strong feelings towards, and this is because the experiences I have been exposed to have really left a lasting impression on me.

I know there are so many older single mothers out there who don't do a damn thing either. Like I said, I'm biased. I tend look down on those who are in a single pareting situation if it seems to me as if they are there because of their own choosing (mostly referring to young mothers). On the flip side, I have nothing but awe and respect for young mothers who actually bust their butt and risk everything they have to provide for their children. I don't like to see it often, but you can bet that those children will grow up with appreciation of everything they have.

I suppose this is what really turns me off from (what looks to be) lazy, supported young mothers, older mothers who ignore their children, or single parents regardless of gender, if the situation appears as if the child is being neglected.

I remember telling my mother when I was twelve years old, that I was going to slit my wrists if she ever divorced my father. I was half joking at the time and did not comprehend the severity of my words nor the war brewing in my household that lasted until I was barely 18.

Now at 19 years of age, I'd slit my wrists if they did not seperate. When I was even 14, a lot of the tense atmosphere and their problems went over my head but I could still sense it. I knew I had a dysfunctional family but it was alright because I was always jealous of the relationship between my parents. Ever since I was little, I knew I would grow up hating that intimacy, that knowledge, that bond between my parents that would never be shared with me. If my parents weren't involved with me, then I was angry and I did everything I could to show my disdain towards my parents marriage. To this day, I am unsympathetic when parents moan about children in their lives and how those children put their marriage under strain. Zero sympathy whatsoever. A lot of parents just can't juggle a partnership and children and effectively end up ignoring their children for a time, no matter how much they love them. This was the case for me. Although I didn't want my parents to fight, I did not want them tip toeing around me.

I can't count the amount of times my father was kicked out of the house since I started junior high. I can't count the amount of times my mom and I were seperated from him since I was very small. My parents always fought, but they always found a way to reconsile and my mother always went back to kissing my father's ass. Looking back on it now, he lavished in her attention and treated her like dirt. This was normal to me though, I didn't know different. I couldn't deny the uplifting feeling to be had when he was out of the house though. I would no longer be shy in the house, but my mother always stressed and strained herself. A lot of their problems stemmed from alcohol and the bar he worked at. It is poison.

By the time high school rolled around, there were times where they went weeks without saying a word to each other. And it was normal for me. The last time I saw them really "try" was the start of grade 10, and I stayed home some weekends alone, while they went off camping. I was admittedly jealous but the thought of being aloned appealled so much more than being around them and seeing them being affectionate. A month later it broke up when she insisted on going to a bar party with him for Rememberance Day and he ignored her, sneaking off with other women and generally just being ashamed of her. When they came home, it was one of the most terrifying nights in my life. The spiral to finality started there.

My mom got interested in a male co-worker the following spring (or the next?) and it was really good for her. She socialized more at work, flirted, and while I disproved at the time, she was more outgoing and happy to be on the receiving end. Fast forward months of not talking (and screaming when they did talk), being tense, hiding my boyfriend at the time from my father, and just not being allowed to be myself, my father took off. My mom had stopped caring and we came to make fun of him often, making light of a bleak situation. He claims she turned him against me, but it's not the case. His father blamed my mom for their problems adding a bigger wedge between them, and one morning when my mom found two numbers in his pants pocket, he left. She casually confronted him about it as he was about to go back to the bar, he ignored her and called a cab and I haven't seen him since the day he left.

Thoughts?

Probably the best thing that happened to my mom and I. I no longer had to keep things silent, I could speak freely, we could laugh and joke as we please, make as much noise as we want (he slept in the daytime) and just generally enjoy life. Granted, we survived a 911 call, financial instabilities and his family gossiping behind our backs, but I think we're doing so good...why, why would any parent subject their child to such horror? Such censorship, such abuse? I understand divorce and uprooting and shattering a perfect lifestyle. Fear of the unknown does fade. It's hard, and you have to rely on each other, but when you just even try to pick up the pieces, it gets better.

Problem?

I was never really close with my father, though I love him. Thus, I never received much of a "male influence" and can easily say that some children don't need a gender influence. Not every child needs to be coddled due to society's sometimes closed look at so-called normal family structure. I'm not gay, I'm not abusive, I'm not yearning for a male role model. I'm nothing of the stereotypical child resulting from a lack of an influence. I think this is baloney.

I'm also not a child. Granted, I was when most of this took hold of my life and burned inside me for years on end. Legally I'm an adult and I don't have to be shared back and forth between my parents (not that it would have happened anyway, judging by my father's no-show in 11 months). A 10 year old in this situation could react differently than I did. It may be more trauamatic for them as they have nothing else (college, social life, own affairs) to grab hold of when their family life dissolves.

Still, I support single parenting in some cases and fail to see the harm involved. It's a breath of fresh air. You only live this life once. Don't stay bogged down to a man or woman who creates such a fearful and tense household. And by god be there for your children if you do decide to single parent.

[Geddoe]

A little about me:

I grew up with my grandparents, and from the age of 7, when I realized that they were yelling and throwing things at one another up to this very day, even after they've both passed on, I wish to God they had gotten divorced. My grandmother was bipolar and my grandfather was an alcoholic. They had been married not even 10 years when I came along, and it was dysfunction from the word go. My grandmother threatened to leave him a million times, and I asked her once why she never did, and all she could do was shake her head and shrug. Watching that relationship messed up my entire perceptions on the right way one should love someone, and the right way to respect someone in a relationship. Because a lot of the relationship mistakes I've made have been seriously fatal ones because I've not had a single point of reference that would say, 'That's not how you should treat someone.'

I'm also the single mother of a three year old.

Thing is, I'm not sure how single I am - her father lives with the two of us and he is a good father, pays for things, helps out around the house and with her - he acts like a husband but he isn't and I don't see myself marrying him anytime soon - outside of Maddie and sports, we have little in common. And the last thing I would want to do is marry someone because it's the right thing to do - I somehow still believe in true love and that there's still someone out there for me that I'll end up marrying.

For right now, her father and I have agreed that this is the best way to handle things - he is committed to being a part of her life whether he's a part of my life or not, and him living here just makes things easier because it ensures that he's not an absentee parent. [That, and it cuts costs.] I don't really date, I have a person that I go to events with [karaoke, an occasional dinner and movie] but I'm relatively certain that until my daughter turns 18, I don't have time for much else.

I hear so much about how hard it is for single moms to support themselves and a child, but it's not impossible. It just involves a lot of patience and sacrifice.

[Eden]

I know what you say. My grandparents react as if there was never love involved. They throw the slices of bread to each other ("Eat!"), grizzle all day ("Everytime everybody says everything against me!") and act with cold. That's really depressing. My father isn't better.... He was married two times, divorced to times, wanted to marry a third time, but dumped her before it came to the end, has his estimated 10th girl friend (who he wants to marry end of the year). I moved nine times because of his girlies (okay, sometimes because of his job and not all his girl friends were young, just his second wife was 15 years older than me and 15 years younger than he).
My sense of a good relationship is kind of damaged.
_________________


The Fool

[Serpent]

I only think divorce should only happen if there's too much abuse or cheating going on within the marriage. I'm tired of all these spoiled women filing for divorces just because her infatuation weared off or 'she doesn't love her husband anymore'. Now before anyone goes off at me for being sexist go look up the statistics I believe 70% of the time the women are the ones who want a divorce. The fact that a lot of women grow up with a single parent doesn't help either they will think getting a divorce is ok.

Sometimes divorces are necessary. I'm a product of being raised in a household with an abused relationship where the person who was getting abused was always too ignorant to go for a divorce. Let's just say now I don't think very highly of most women due to being a witness of how my dad treated my mom. Maybe one day I'll find quality women that I'll place on the same level as me.

Divorce laws usually favor women too. I remember a FLASH instructor once told my class that it's better to get married with women that are in there 30's because that's the age when most of them are done screwing around.

[Queen]

[Malt Hitman]

Well, since this thread has been resurrected I'll throw in my thoughts on the subject.

Divorce, although an unfortunate event, only signals the end to marriage. To me the idea that two people have to be married to love one another or care for their child is wrong. Some of my earliest memories in life were about going to see my father at a strange apartment. We moved around a bit, here to there in around our area do to financial considerations but we never lived in an apartment complex. One day in high school I asked my parents about this and they told me that my father was renting the apartment.

As the story goes, when I was young, possibly two or three years old, my parents divorced one another and were living separately. This apparently did not last very long as they decided to live together for both financial reasons and for my well-being. So for the majority of my life I believed in blissful ignorance that my parents were happily married and we had a nice loving family. Well, I was only wrong about the marriage part. It still came as quite a surprise to learn that my parents had divorced very early in their marriage.

I can't speak on being raised in a single parent household and am glad that I am unable to do so. I can easily see how things could have turned out differently if my parents had not made the decision to stay together for my benefit rather than separate, I'll never know how close that came to happening. If a child is raised in a two-parent household they definitely have a benefit of two caregivers and better social support, given that both parents are responsible and/or working.