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The Running of the Shrews

 
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Admiral Ackbar

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:02 pm    Post subject: The Running of the Shrews Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Several months ago, I started a contest in the Nameless Lands called the Running of the Shrews. The results of the contest were so great that I have decided to copy the results over here for all to see. Here are parts of the text from the start of the contest:

Quote:
The Running of the Shrews has been declared. In roughly two weeks a number of giant shrews will be set free to rampage through the closed-off streets of Crystal Valley in former Harmonia, while several dozen captured Harmonian soldiers flee for their lives.

These giant shrews have been raised and trained by some of the best beast tamers in the Nameless Lands. But giant shrews are still naturally violent and brutal creatures which just adds to the danger of this event for anyone stuck inside the closed-off city streets.

The goal of each giant shrew is to reach the finish line first. Along the way they will face dangers of their own. Not only do the captured Harmonian soldiers provide a distraction (giant shrews have a taste for humans) but the city steets are confusing and maze-like and there have been traps such as pits and sliding walls installed to deter them. In addition there are several monsters placed within strategic points around the city. Some giant shrews may not even make it out alive.


And then...

Quote:
You will be judged on several categories on your giant shrew and given points for each one. Each category is rated 1-10, with 1 being the lowest. The points are tallied and added together to create a grand total that determines if your giant shrew makes it into the top three. In addition to the top three placements there will be special prizes for people that get the highest rankings within each of the following categories, and for the bonus category of pictures.

1 - Name
Supply a good name for your giant shrew. The name can be a human-sounding name, or it could be a name like those given to racehorses. Or anything else you can think of. The funnier the name is, the higher the points.

2 - Backstory
Supply a short backstory of the life events of your giant shrew. Was your shrew raised by barbarian zombie warriors in the swamps of Logantaro? Did your shrew participate in the Second Fire Bringer War as the steed of Kenji? Does your shrew like long walks on the beach? Try to keep this submission under 200 words; the backstory should be brief, not a novel. Higher points are given to the most emotionally engaging backstory. Or the funniest.

3 - Physical
What does your giant shrew look like? Obviously saying "a very large shrew" isn't going to cut it. What about fur color, battle scars, muscle ratio, tattoos, or piercings? What about battle armor and clothing? All of these things and more can affect how well your shrew intimidates the opposition. Higher points go to the most intimidating or funny (or both!) physical descriptions.

Bonus Category - Picture
Not supplying a picture will not harm your overall total, as pictures are judged in their own category and do not affect placements in the race. But there is a seperate prize placement for best picture. This can either be a scanned drawing, a computer made image, or a photo-edit of a real shrew. In fact you don't even have to create the image. If you find an image on the Internet you think best represents your giant shrew then present it.


And then, 2 months later (I'm lazy) the winners were declared. What follows are the results of the race.


********************


The Running of the Shrews

First, I would like to thank everyone that entered into the competition. It was pretty hard to choose winners with so many good entries. If you didn't win in a category you wanted to win in, don't feel let down. I liked all the entries. I will not list your exact scores however. I don't want people to get offended.

But before I begin, let us first sing the Running of the Shrews themesong!

"Killer Shrew, Killer Shrew,
Don't know the difference between me and you.
It comes out at night
To give you a fright.
Don't look now
But he's gonna take a bite!

"Killer Shrew, Killer Shrew,
K-I-double-L-E-R Shrew.
He's scary and tough,
If that ain't enough,
He's augmented with
Bath mats and stuff.

"Killer Shrew, Killer Shrew,
He's coming to your town
To--
To--
get you!"


Now, on with the race!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Running of the Shrews was held at Crystal Valley within the Nameless Lands. Many giant shrews entered into the fierce competition. The shrews lined up in front of (or stared blankly at) the gate. After the horn was sounded, the gate was thrust open and the shrews poured into the city. Unlike most races, there was no set track for the shrews. There were multiple sections of the city for the shrews to charge through in their frantic effort to reach the finish line. There were also many traps and hazards to plague their journey, including fire pits, spiked walls, dropping boulders, poison gas, monsters, and the occasional hobo.

These are their stories.

(Note: Click each shrew's name for a portrait)

Neufchâtel Camembert - Neuf got off to a good start, but quickly tired after an hour of running. Being bipedal, he was able to climb onto a roof halfway through the race and spot a shortcut to what he assumed was the finish line. Unfortunately his life was cut short after crossing the fake finish line, which turned out to really be garrote wire set up by hungry hobos.

Shrewy Potter - Shrewy Potter's powers of illusion and trickery were good enough to fool Shrewminator and Bloodeye. But after setting up an illusion to make some rabid Fur Furs looks like cute bunnies, he fell victim of his own trickery and tried petting one of the bunnies. His life was barely saved by the Running of the Shrews Committee, but he now lacks any arms or legs.

Crash Broadway - Making her way through the city's back alleys in an effort to bypass the other competitors, Crash managed to avoid many of the traps and pit-holes the other competitors faced. This also worked against her. Crash eventually lost her way in the labyrinthine city streets, and it wasn't until 2 weeks after the competition that her body was found decomposing in a dumpster bin.

Trucker Joe - How a giant shrew can manage to obtain a driver's license (or a semi-truck) is anyone's guess, but Trucker Joe managed to do just that. After plowing down several other competitors (including Weyshounrew and Bloodeye) he ran out of gas and was too lazy to walk the rest of the race, and forfeited.

Rickshaw Roadkill - Rickshaw was off to a good start right from the gate. The Harmonian on a stick hanging in front of him gave him plenty of determination to charge forward. Unfortunately the wall he ran into while blindly chasing the Harmonian cut his run short. Total running time: 9 seconds.

The Shrewminator - The Shrewminator blazed through the gate and into the streets of Crystal Valley on his motorcycle. His motorcycle skills (honed in an apocalyptic cyborg future) allowed him to avoid many monsters within the city, and his rifle skills allowed him to blow away any that couldn't be avoided. His defeat came when another cyborg from the future appeared and declared that if Shrewminator finished the race, the world would end in Armageddon. Shrewminator was promptly killed by the Running of the Shrews committee, who was willing to break the rules and interfere in order to save the planet. The cyborg from the future was later revealed to be Shrewy Potter in disguise. Oops.

Ley-Z Bar Stud - Halfway through the race, Ley-Z Bar Stud's owner magically disappeared. Saddened, the giant shrew ran back out of the starting gate in search of his mising master. No one has heard from him since.

Gladys - Angry at having been forced into doing something other than sit at home, Gladys entered the race with extreme prejudice. She had no desire to win the race; she was more concerned with beating down the other competitors. Rolling pin in hand, she beat down at least two running shrews before becoming a meal for a carnivorous Fur Fur. Her family was heard rejoicing from the spectator seats.

Bob/George (no pic) - Bob/George was a fierce competitor. He killed many monsters on his way to the finish line. He even managed to kill the terrible man-eating Fur Fur that had claimed Gladys earlier in the race. But his life was cut short when a trained griffon swooped in unexpectedly and took off with him. The Running of the Shrews Committee is still investigating the matter and suspects Grassland or Jowston interference.

Shrew (no pic) - The leader of the Nameless Lands was entered into the race against his will. The day before the race he was invitied by regional lord Blue Thunder to have some ice cream, but when he arrived he was quickly darted with a blow gun and dragged away to the race. After only an hour in the race, Shrew, still heavily drugged at this point, mistook the starting line for the finish line and crossed it in triumph. No one has the heart (or balls) to tell him he didn't win.

Weyshounrew - Weyshounrew made late progress in the race. After a slow start, he managed to keep a steady 2nd or 3rd place near the end. Unfortunatly he got run over by Trucker Joe in his semi-truck. Whether or not Trucker Joe was even aware of this is still to be seen, but the fact remians that various pieces of Weyshounrew are now embedded in the grill of Trucker Joe's semi.

Pierre and Jean - Pierre and Jean were distracted early on in the race by an advertised 50% off clothing sale at one of Crystal Valley's many clothing stores. Though they lost the race at hand, they still consider themselves winners. After all, Jeane finally has good pants to match that turtleneck he bought last month that he has been dying to show off.

73H M0N570RZ - 73H plowed his way into the lead for most of the race. He avoided traps and pit-holes, and even killed several well-placed monsters on his way to the finish. With the finish line in his sight the race seemed to be coming to a close. But with only a dozen feet left to the finish line, 73H was distracted by a fluttering butterfly. He chased it for several minutes in a gleeful prancing frenzy before falling into a fire pit. He will be missed.

Bloodeye - This ferocious cannibal of a shrew managed completely forget about any race that he may have been entered into and spent his time chasing down and eating other shrews. After surviving a collision with Trucker Joe's semi, he decided to go after easier prey. Hot on the trail of Shrewy Potter, he was fooled by illusions into thinking a pit of poisonous Fur Furs was a pit of of defenseless newborn shrews, Bloodeye's favorite snack. His death was long and painful.

Frankenshrew - Frankenshrew is, even til this day, still standing at the starting gate wondering where all the other shrews ran off to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are the placements your shrews made, based on the points awarded by the Running of the Shrews Committee. Since none of the shrews actually crossed the finish line (or the correct finish line I should say...) the judges decided the placement of the shrews by drawing random names out of a hat.

As a reminder, here are the possible rankings and the prizes for each...

Quote:
Prizes (in potch)

First Place - 20,000
Second Place - 10,000
Third Place - 5,000
Last Place - 100

Best Name - 7,000
Best Backstory - 7,000
Best Physical - 7,000

First Place (Picture) - 10,000
Second Place (Picture) - 5,000
Third Place (Picture) - 2,000

Special Mention - 1,000 soldiers


And now...here are the winners!

First Place - Shrewminator
Second Place - Gladys
Third Place - Rickshaw Roadkill
Last Place - Shrew

Best Name - Neufchâtel Camembert
Best Backstory - Crash Broadway
Best Physical - Bob/George

First Place (Picture) - Crash Broadway
Second Place (Picture) - 73H M0N570RZ
Third Place (Picture) - Weyshounrew

Special Mention - Ley-Z-Bar Stud

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And there we have it everyone. I finally finished, and now everyone can be happy with their winnings. Soon after posting this I shall send everyone their prize money. Even though this took a long time to complete, what with me being busy (read: lazy), I look forward to possibly doing another occasion like this again.

********************

So there you have it, the Running of the Shrews. This may explain why you guys keep seeing shrews in our avatars and banners.
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Fundertaker

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Now you could do the Shrewpics! The Olympics of the Shrews!

Nevertheless, very original idea. Nice work Blue Thunder!
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Calupict

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

OMG. It's hillarious. Maybe you can make Shrew's World Cup.
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Earthquake923

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Hey Blue, why not pu the back stories up. SOme of them are very funny.
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rane

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

ah i see that's why there were many shrew sigs. nice work you made there. authentic and mysteriously funny! :lol:

about the griffon that was grassland! it is! it is grassland! :mrgreen:

*whistles while walking away*
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Acheron

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Rich, compelling, full of character intrigue and development with a good flow to the plot. Actually, it wa really funny. I read all of it and didn't even skim! Sounds fun, we'll have to rip the idea and have a similar concept in Tinto. Maybe, The Sex of the Miners... wait....
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Milich Oppenheimer

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

My, my! How could all of you live with such vile creatures? I detest rodents! How glad I am that I dwell far away from Crystal Valley or anywhere else in the Nameless Lands, where disgusting beasts like that are allowed to roam free!
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Noot

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Shrews are scary. *poor Mr. Peanut... being chased around by Rickshaw Roadkill before being devoured by Shrewminator* :cry:

Entertaining contest, folks! Glad to see the honour and prestige of the greatest city in the world is being maintained by... by... Bah, it was still funny. :lol:
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ard

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Quote:

My, my! How could all of you live with such vile creatures? I detest rodents! How glad I am that I dwell far away from Crystal Valley or anywhere else in the Nameless Lands, where disgusting beasts like that are allowed to roam free!

Vile? Disgusting?
Such harsh prejudices, never seen a shrew before eh? Perhaps that is a good thing...

I love peanutbutter, yours is the best i had so far Nutflush. :mrgreen:




I hope you do not mind BT but i went ahead and posted the stories behind those shrews:
Quote:

Name
Neufchâtel Camembert

Backstory
My Shrew was actually found in the basement of one of the castles of Crytal Valley. Upon searching the small rooms looking for hideaways of the Harmonian hierarchy I came upon this shrew. He apparently was a top secret experiment designed by The Hot Ice to unleash upon the Falenians or us during an upcoming battle. He was chained up snarling in a cage. It was apparent that this Shrew was bred for destruction and chaos. However I showed it compassion and love, feeding it fine cheeses and naming it after the two cheeses he had the real love for. I also trained him to attack those who wear Harmonian blue and white in combination. He is a very intelligent Shrew for his size.

Physical Description
He stands about 5 foot 4 inches and he can bite with a power 70 pounds per square inch. The jaws of life apply 90 pounds per square inch, so, you be the judge of that one. As the picture shows, he is mostly a light brown almost tan color and he has a large patch of grey on his underbelly. He has a very short and stubby tail which is why I analyzed my find as a Giant Shrew and not a mutated rat. Neufchâtel has a turned up nose, much like a pig or a mole. This is because he is related to the smaller shrews and moles that use their snout as a digging utensil and sniff for food. Of the five senses, I have determined that his sense of smell is by far his strongest, although he has a keen sense of sight when I turn the lights off. Neufchâtel is most active at night but he does get up during the day to eat. His hind legs are so strong that they support his weight and he can stand on them for considerable durations of time, however he goes to all fours to move around. The pose he is in shows him on his hind legs and in a good mood. I plan on using him as my steed in battle and he is definitely strong enough to support me and my smaller frame. Nothing is more hillarious than a Nay-Kobold riding a giant rodent.



Name:
Crash Broadway

Backstory:
Created in a lab by Earthquake during an experiment to create different types of mounts, Crash escaped when Walter accidently knocked open it's cage. After running away to Saintler Port Crash was forced to cross dress, and turn tricks on the streets to survive. Several months later when Earthquake was "visiting a sick friend" in the red light district, Crash spotted, and assaulted him. Earthquake quickly overpowered Crash, and decided to take him back home. Upon hearing of the new Holiday, Earthquake offered Crash the chance to win it's freedom if it won the race.

Description:Crash Broadway is a 5'6 very thin shrew. She has long sharp fangs, and black beedy eyes. On most encounters she wears a red evening dress, and stiletto heels. But for the race she is wearing a white unitard, a pink tu-tu, and comfortable running shoes.



1 - Name
73H M0N570RZ literally translated from ancient Kaimish it means "He who cannot be defeated in tetris"

2 - Backstory
73H M0N570RZ was raised in Kaimuttal by a family that breeds racing and cavalry shrews. He is the only offspring of two famous racing Shrew (Altoids and Snickerdoodle.) In his youth, he was singled out as a lost cause due to him being far larger than a normal giant shrew; and was set free into the dangerous and unforgiving lands of Chefurbo Kaimmuttal. Years later he returned to the place of his birth as a new Shrew. He was now bloodthirsty and completely unstoppable. He tore up the southeastern district of Chefurbo Kaimuttal in a fit of rage but was finally tranqualized and stored beneath the royal palace. Grand Jirai Shingen spent the next two years systematically taming the wild creature. Finally it is ready to enter the competition it was born to win.

3 - Physical
73H M0N570RZ stands roughly 9 feet tall and weighs well over 700 LBS. He has earned the nickname mammoth thanks to his tendency to trample his opponents in races. Both his ears are pierced all the way around with a series of steel rings. His fur, while soft to the touch is a completely impenetrable suit of armor that protects him from the claws and teeth of his opponents. Finally, the fur around each of his eyes is dyed black to create a more intimidating look.




Name:
Rickshaw Roadkill, see below for details.

Backstory: Rickshaw Roadkill was born in the northern part of the Holy kingom of Harmonia near the region of Lamua. His mother had big trouble giving birth to him as his size was quite big for his kind. It was not untill he learned to properly use a toilet when a freaky but tragic accident happened. Rickshaw Roadkill was just minding his own shady agenda when was suddenly run over by a fairy in her rickshaw. The fairy felt sorry for the poor little oversized critter an decided to give him another chance at life. but the fairy screwed up ressurecting and Rickshaw Roadkill grew multiple times his normal size in the proces. at the same time a trainer from a newly built gladiatorschool from Lamua could not help overlook the whole scene and caught Rickshaw Roadkill for gladiator fights and gave him his battlename. A so called mutant animal friend called ard/PSiKo saw some time later Rickshaw Roadkill fighting in an arena and decided to take Rickshaw Roadkill for his own. He called in the help of the local environement activists and freed Rickshaw Roadkill but then took him from the activists and fled to the border into the Nameless Lands. He now enters his first event with his newly captured mutant.

Description: Rickshaw Roadkill looks like your average shrew because he used to be an average shrew. He has a light brown fur and a lighter brown fur on his belly. He is like said larger than average for his kind, which is at about 13 feet fromt he tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. He is quite slim which keeps him speedy but his size gives him great strength as well. But do not make him angry... he will transform into a raging caffeinated shrew looking like it is suffering from rabies. Pulling some hares from his fur before the race starts should do the trick. Because of that he has a bald spot on his behind.
Rickshaw Roadkill only wears a t-shirt especially for this occasion with the text saying on the front: 'Run Nutflush Run!!!' and on the back: 'I only stop for rainbows'
Rickshaw roadkill will be fed loads of beer (and by that i mean a random cheap brand of heaache beer) to get him real drunk and a huge migraine on top of that.
A stick with a rope tied to its end will be tied to Rickshaw Roadkill's waste to hang up a Harmonian in front of him to make sure he will keep on going on his rampage for a while. In addition the screaming of the Harmonian should make his migraine stronger and further infuriate him.



1 - Name
Gladys. No man who dared find out more has lived to tell the tale.

2 - Backstory
Gladys is Wataru's neighbor in Saintler Port and the biggest shrew he knows. She does nothing. All day. She married her husband, Morty, 25 years ago and all she does is yell and scream at him. Day is and day out. "Take out the garbage!" "Change the channel!" "You better not go out drinking tonight after work!" Despite her appearance she doesn;t really clean much of anything. The kids do all that. Most of the time she can be found laying on her butt watching soap operas and eating bon bons (not the blue furry kind). Even so, her stare can punch a hole through a mountain and her voice can curdle milk. Well, as far as shrews go, there is none meaner, more ill-tempered, more brutally nasty than her.

3 - Physical
She stands about 4'10" and weighs about 85 pounds. Normally she can be seen lounging around in bunny slippers, a pink bathrobe and this green stuff all over her face. She usually keeps her hair in curlers. In tems if running, she doesn't really run much. The only times she does are when one of the neighbor kids' frisbees land on her lawn or if someone is playing music too loud. Then she runs after people with a rolling pin or frying pan in her hand like a crazed demon from hell. She could probably be motivated to run if you put a bon-bon on the end of a fishing line and dragged it ahead of her, just out of her reach.




1 - Name:
The Shrewminator

2 - Backstory:
One night after saving the world yet again, the Terminator decided to go to the pub and get thoroughly *beep*. This guy was so wasted that he decided to get a tattoo expressing his love for his mum despite the fact that as a cyborg he didn't actually have one. Little did he know that the needle had not been washed, and we all know what happens when cyborgs get tattoos from unwashed needles, they turn into SHREWS! On that fateful night the Shrewminator came into existence. With his magic motorbike, permanently drunk state and ferocious bloodlust this shrew was a bloody fun guy. Upon hearing of the opportunity to kill some Harmonians, the Shrewminator got his good friend Mors to ask Hawkthanatos to enter the Shrewminator as his representative at the Running of the Shrews. Since Hawk only had a shrew that could play the piano and wasn't very good at killing, he quickly agreed.

3 - Physical:
Standing at an even 5 foot when on the ground and 8'10" when on his bike, the Shrewminator is the epitome of coolness. With leather gloves and boots, and a tattoo that no-one dares to tease him about, this shrew is ready for loving the women-shrews (except Gladys) and killing anything else (including Gladys) anytime and anyplace. When not running Harmonians over on his bike or eating them with his sharp teeth, this shrew likes to pull two short-swords out of nowhere and use the skills taught to him by Hawkthanatos to bloody the place up.



1-Name: Ley-Z Bar Stud

2 - Backstory: The illegitimate child (Interpretation one of surname) of Lord Shrew and some random woman, he was given monetary allowances every annum to stay out of the way. He uses this money to keep himself in a perpetual state of drunkeness, in Crystal Valley's seedier bars. Here he manages to get himself into a lot of fights with the locals who spread rumours about his father, and attempt to blacken the name of Shrew. He tends to win everyone, and as a result of all the fighting, he has somehow managed to get rather buff (Interpretation two of surname)(Also, do not ask how fighting a lot makes him buff, it's difficult science to explain the anatomy of a Shrew). During one of his drunken stupors, he fell asleep, as he is prone to doing (Interpretation of first name), and upon awakening, he found himself kidnapped. However, it turned out that in fact, he had somehow managed to sign up for the Running of the Shrew, and put down some guy named Ley as his trainer. Ley-Z was going to have to get drunk to forget this mistake.

3-Physical description: I need not describe this Shrew. For all you ever need to do is picture the Vaguelord and that is what he looks like. A virtual body double of the Shrew in charge of the nation, it has been remarked many times the remarkable similarities between the two....which often results inb a fight.




Name: Bob.... or George.... I've tried both names so far and he just ignores me.

Backstory: I found Bob/George on the side of the road, he was carrying a tire iron and a ring of kickass with him and I asked him if everything was alright but he just stared at me. I then asked him his name and he made a noise that sounded kinda like Bob or George, I don't really know which. I've fed him and let him stay with me ever since. He never makes any noise I have ocationally seen Bob/George put on his ring when he is made at which time he proceeds to the kick-ass of whatever he want to with the tire iron. I do my best not to tick him off.

Description: He stands at about 5' 6'' and he is of normal build. He wears steel toe boots, a wife beater t-shirt, and overalls. He always has his tire iron and ring of kickass with him. He has brown hair, on his head it is cut into a mullet. His left eye is blue and his right is green.




Name: Weyshounrew (Wey-Sh-Oun-Rew)

Backstory: Weyshounrew, formally named "shrew who I can beat until I have my fun" by his old master, lived in Vinay Del Zexay. When Weyoun decided to leave Zexen, he thought that stealing something from a Zexen noble would anger Milan Fiori more. So he saw shrew who I can beat until I have my fun, being beaten by Chirs Fujiwara. So he knocked Chris unconscious and stole the shrew. He thought that keeping a shrew by the name of shrew who I can beat until I have my fun, would be a bad idea in The Nameless Lands, and decided to name him Weyshounrew.

Description: Weyshounrew stands at about 8' 7''. He wears a ragged shirt and ragged pants. He had eye surgery when he got to The Nameless Lands, and now has one glass eye. Weyshounrew has many scars around his body where Chris beat him so many time before. His teeth lay ready to kill anyone who is an enemy of The Nameless Lands.
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Admiral Ackbar

Seekers of Hawke's Hot Stuff


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

Not at all, you saved me from doing work. BTW all the shrews not described in the above post, but that appear in the first post, are original shrews created by myself as competitors. Trucker Joe for example.
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Celes Tilly

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List

That was great, hahaha.
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